One of those ideas is the punishment collar. Tia values his collar very highly, it's the equivalent of a wedding ring and - in his mind - any suggestion that I might remove it from his neck is tantamount to asking for a divorce. And this just flips the panic switch in his head, severely hindering his ability to respond rationally afterward.
It isn't that I want to take his collar away. But sometimes, as the Person In Charge, I NEED to be able to clearly communicate that his behavior is not acceptable to me. I need to be able to "ground" him (so to speak), to have some way of enforcing the point that I make the rules and if he's not following them to my satisfaction then he actually loses something.
In the discussion/aftermath of this latest quarrel it occurred to me - why not get him a second collar, a "punishment" collar to wear when he's REALLY pissed me off? It could even be something a little humiliating, something the pushes the boundaries of what I'd ordinarily ask him to wear. Something that makes him feel silly and humbled and might even provoke embarrassing questions from his coworkers. That way he neverever has to be "uncollared"...but I still am able to clearly impress on him, in a way that matters, that he's on my shit list until he mends his ways.
You might say the punishment collar is a way to communicate (without excessive anger & negativity) that this infraction is something he needs to take seriously. The other tactic we came up with this time is more a way to signal that an issue is a matter of dominance and submission, related to our roles as Mistress and owned slave.
Part of the problem we keep having is that this IS a real 24/7 Mistress-slave relationship. We both agree this means I'm in charge, I make the rules, and I have the final say in everything. But as a practical matter there are huge swathes of life where I can't actually be in direct control of Tia's actions. I sleep over often but we don't actually live together, so he's on his own a lot too. He has his vanilla job responsibilities and commitments to other people. And yes, sometimes that stuff gets in the way of his service to me.
It can be difficult for both of us, especially when the vanilla and D/s parts of our lives are so intermingled. And honestly, from my perspective even trying to keep them separate kind of misses the point: the fact that the "vanilla" and the "kink" are so thoroughly intermingled is what MAKES this real, 24/7 slavery. But still, there are times when I can see that my dissatisfaction has to do with protocol, me feeling like I'm not being treated with the ass-kissing deference that is my mistressly due.
Our agreement is that henceforth I will give a clear signal that this is a D/s matter (such as, for instance, making him kneel and kiss my feet) BEFORE airing whatever grievance I have. The hope is that this will enable him to get into a more obedient, submissive mindset and avoid triggering the kind of rebellious defensiveness that gets my goat up.
It's actually been several weeks since the fight that spawned this post. I've not found a 'punishment collar' yet but I've used the D/s signal tactic several times and I feel like things are better. Like I'm a happier *MISTRESS*. So..we go forth in hope.
I've decided to leave the bowling balls whimsically perched in the trees outside. But between the damage done by its former inhabitants and the normal ravages of age the rest of sandpit manor requires some major repair work. So far we've gutted the bathroom, including tearing out the floor & rebuilding it from the joists up, ripped out several other walls and most of the ceiling, and repaired or replaced every single window crank & light fixture in the place. Well, I say 'we' but the fact is I'm doing 70% of the work myself. Izzy is unavailable to help most days and Tia? While not exactly hopeless in the d.i.y department, he started off not being entirely sure of the difference between a flat and phillips head screwdriver. There's been a real steep learning curve to deal with there.
