politics/philosophy

There is this domme who runs a very popular online group.

I strongly suspect this domme is not a person who physically exists, but is an online persona constructed by someone with a deeply held fetish. I further suspect that the creator of this persona is not even female, but a male sub who is perhaps assuaging his own desperate longings by creating this dream dominatrix persona.

What makes me suspect that this "domme" is not a real person? Many, many things don't add up:

Her pictures are, almost without exception, obviously stolen content lifted from pornsites etc. The very few which she claims are of her/her sub could just as easily have been stolen.

Her descriptions of female sexual & relationship responses are grossly inaccurate. Her women are all instantly intrigued when they discover a guy is a sissy. They get wildly horny from nothing more than watching the sissy get dressed up and do his thing. They never have any hang-ups about taking multiple other male lovers, or seem particularly concerned about things like birth control and STDs. They cum at the drop of a hat as soon as a "real man" sticks a dick in them. If real women reacted like this, why would it be so hard for sissy guys to find a Mistress?

And do I even need to add that these "real men" are never anything but stunt cocks in this Mistress's tales? They appear as needed, as if ordered from Studs-R-Us, and vanish again as soon as the sex scene is over, with never any messy relationship issues, needs, or wants of their own.

All her claims are unrealistic at best. She claims to have a large manor-style house where she lives with her cuckolded sissy slave. Supposedly any woman who has a recalcitrant male in her life - be he husband, son, or even her own boss - can bring him to this domme and leave him there, where he will be forcibly restrained, beaten and tortured in various ways until he's transformed into the perfect sissy.

Keeping someone imprisioned against their will, beating them and using things like cattle prods on them, forcing them to undergo hormone treatments and sometimes surgery? Doing these things not only to consenting adult males but even to underage boys? In the real world these are CRIMINAL ACTIVITIES. How realistic does it seem that a domme would be able to engage in this level of publicly admitted criminal activity for years, with hundreds of victims, and not get in trouble with the law?

To the best of my knowledge, this domme has never met anyone in person. She claims to have met lots of people, and even posts letters allegedly from those people. But all these letters are posted by she herself, and are strangely similar to her own writing style. And in the several years I've been observing her I've never once seen a letter from any of the thousands of people that follow her that says so much as "thanks for writing me back". If she's "helped" so many other dominas and sissies wouldn't you think at least one of those people would have publicly thanked her?

Let me clarify that last point a little: people thank this domme all the time. They thank her for being an inspiration, for understanding what sissies long for. They thank her for posting her writings and running her groups. They even, sometimes, thank her for transforming all those sissies through the years. But never in a personal "oh, when I brought my husband to you he came back so much improved!" kind of way. Rather she gets thanked in the generic "you do so much for all us sissies" way. You know, like a random fan might thank any celebrity for "doing so much for their fans".

In her writings, which she always presents as true stories, people constantly do things that simply don't happen in real life. She writes, for example, of arranging weddings where the assembled vanilla guests don't bat an eyelash when the groom unexpectedly appears wearing a wedding dress. And then as soon as the ceremony is over the same vanilla guests line up to take a turn in the sissy husband's mouth right there in the church!

Now seriously, how can anyone who is not willfully deluding themselves think this is something that happens in real life?

But this "domme" tells equally outlandish stories All. The. Time. And all while continuing to proclaim that it's all 100% real, and that she has personally "helped" hundreds of sissy males and dominant women to find happiness. And this is the point at which it becomes difficult for me to stomach. Because at this point, she is not helping at all.

In fact, by giving so many men the idea that such an outlandish fantasy-domme really exists, and that these things really happen, this domme is actually hurting people. She is persuading real people to model their behavior and expectations on something that is fantasy. And that is not going to help the sissy guys who follow her find a real domme owner, I assure you.

I believe this domme is really the fantasy-contruction of a male submissive for one simple reason: none of her activities seem to ask for money. If there was a sales pitch somewhere along the line I would call her a faux domme who is selling a porn fantasy. Since there isn't, and since this sham has been running for a long time, I think it must be a case of a desperate submale who's found an unusual way to assuage his need. But the red flags in this case are highly illustrative of what to watch out for with other faux dommes.

And THAT is the reason I am writing about this here. I've deliberately not named names or posted links; I've no wish to "expose" her or get involved in a big internet drama. And I know perfectly well that if this faux-domme were to disappear tomorrow two more would pop up to take her place. But the falsehoods I see coming from her are typical of the breed. And judging from the breathless adoration of her fans, either a whole lot of people are playing along with the fantasy - or there's a whole lot of clueless sissy subs out there.

I believe rational people (I'm talking to YOU!) ought to be able to figure these things out for themselves. And I hope that my giving specifics about this one instance of fantasy passing as reality might help a few of those misled sissies get a clue.

Have you seen the anime series Ouran: High School Host Club yet?

If not, I urge you to check it out! It's HILARIOUS and has more gender tomfoolery in it than a barrel full of drag queens.

The premise is that a gender-ambivalent girl incurs an outrageous debt. To pay it off she starts working as a "host" which is basically a super-romanticized softcore boy-whore for rich girls. Cue all sorts of insanely silly scenarious revolving around gender & class expectations and teen romance.

One of the things I absolutely adore about this series (besides the loving way it spoofs both the romance genre and anime in general) is the way it presents sexual orientation as completely fluid. There's no discussion, it's not a big "Social Issue"...it's just taken for granted that OF COURSE all the characters, male, female, and in between, might develop romantic interests in any other character regardless of either party's gender.

Which leads to a lot of dreamy boy-on-dreamy boy action. *whistles innocently* Ouran: High School Host Club is available on streaming netflix right now. You can also find complete episodes on YouTube.

p.s. I think this is also a great choice for Mistresses who're looking for "femmy" media for mental restructuring/feminization purposes!

Hiya everybody!

I am OVER THE MOON to announce that I've joined the team of Sex & Love bloggers at Creative Loafing.

Come check out my first post, and be sure to leave me a comment!

I will be a regular contributor, writing about the Tampa Bay area's alternative sexuality scene as well as my adventures as a kinky wife & mom, pro dom, and pornmaker. Feel free to write back to me with your questions, comments, observations and of course if you know about a group or event you'd like to see mentioned.

Did I mention I'm thrilled? I think I'm gonna have to knock off early today and have a champagne lunch to celebrate, hehehe! In case you've never heard of it, Creative Loafing is like the Village Voice for those of us south of the Mason Dixon line. It's got regional issues in most of the major cities, and anybody who's looking for hip entertainment around here turns to CL. I grew up around here, and CL was our beacon of coolness in an era when they rolled up the sidewalks at 8pm. Add that it's my first paying gig as a writer and it's doubly exciting. (Note that we're working with a special writer's definition of "paying gig" that includes peanuts.)

Anyway, please come and check it out!

Grok this boys...that private place on a woman's body you long to get close to is NOT just a vagina.

There's a LOT more to the ladyparts than the hole you're so interested in slipping things into. And for many, many women those other parts are just as interesting - if not more so - than the vagina. There's also the mons, two sets of labia, and the vitally-important clitoris too.

I can understand the linguistic need to convey this complexity in a single word. For me, "vagina" ain't it. Using that term as though the hole represented the sum of the parts grates on me; I feel that it hearkens back to the days when the male medical establishment declared female sexual pleasure a sickness and decreed that her reproductive role was all that mattered. I much prefer supposedly cruder but more encompassing terms like "pussy" or "cunt".

(Btw, did you know that the word "cunt" has a really long and complicated history?)

Whatever you call it though, if you're lucky enough get close to my cunt and you treat it like it's just a vagina you probably won't be invited back for seconds.

Once upon a time my son (aka aspie boy) was a wee lad of three or four years old. At this tender age he was already a dedicated artist, decorating any surface he could reach with any sort of writing/coloring implement he could find.

One day he decided to experiment with more organic media. He began using his own poo to paint with.

He painted the walls. He painted the furniture. He smeared it into the carpet and rubbed it all over his toys. He even daubed it on himself, taking special delight (it seemed) in working it into his hair.

Now this is pretty normal, right? At least, that's what the pediatrician, other parents, etc and so on would assure me when I mentioned it.

But my son? He did this not once or twice but three or four times a day.

EVERY day.

For about SIX MONTHS.

I spent hours every day literally scrubbing the shit out of things. Ever tried to get half-dried poo out from between the prongs of a lego? I recommend avoiding it if at all possible.

This was before we even knew about his autism. And yet, somehow, I managed NOT to murder anybody. There have been other rough times, and I'm sure will be more to come, but that was certainly the {ahem} crappiest.

And that, dear readers, is why I will not do scat or "human toilet" play as anything but a cyber-fantasy.

I wrecked the family car this week.

It was unarguably my fault. I was preoccupied with my own thoughts and drove right through a red light. Lemme tell ya, I felt awful for the poor tourist who hit me.

As for myself...well, I am physically uninjured. And the damage to the car doesn't actually seem that bad; a smooshed rear passenger door and side panel. But the car is so old that it seems likely our insurance company will opt to pay us the blue book value rather than shell out to repair it.

This wouldn't be such a bad thing IF we had the funds to buy a replacement. The car has the automotive version of leprosy anyway. Plastic bits you'd never think were important - like door handles and dashboard knobs - have disintegrated in the hot Florida sun. There's a fossilized mass of gunk that used to be a vanilla milkshake welded to one floorboard, and dents on the hood and roof from where our son (the autistic one) thought it would be fun to play atop the car with a brick. The trunk won't latch and is held shut with a bungee cord. The cheap self-tint film some previous owner applied to the windows is peeling off and starting to affect visibility. If we had the money to replace it with something in better shape I'd be shrugging the whole incident off with a "c'est la vie" and being grateful that nobody was injured.

But we don't. All we have is the pittance the insurance company will pay us for the car.

And the thing is, it's worth a lot more than book value to us. Despite its issues this car is THE reliable transportation not just for Izzy, myself and the kids but also for my mother, tia and his roommate. There's little chance of finding an equally reliable replacement for what the insurance company will pay us. So what should be a minor crisis, easily remedied, becomes a potentially major catastrophe. (And this is what the alleged "recovery" looks like to those of us who are clinging desperately to the lower edge of middle-class.)

It's ironic because I am one of those people who's a fanatic about obeying traffic laws. I'm the sort who will sit through a red light at 3am when there's obviously no traffic for miles because IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO. So naturally the one time I fail to pay adequate attention results in a collision.

But the biggest irony? The thoughts which occupied my mind so much that I failed to mind the road were worries about money.

Yesterday I talked about why most dominas find it annoying to be offered "oral service" by prospective subs. And on reflection I really wanted to add something about a closely related issue: words as fantasy props.

In all kinds of sex, but especially in kinky sex, certain words are in and of themselves sex objects. Often these are highly-charged words like "rape" and "torture" which arouse a completely different reaction when used in a kinky scene than if, say, you heard them on the evening news. But it applies to commoner terms too. And "service" is definitely on the list.

Being aware of the difference between fantasy and reality becomes vitally important here. Because while it might be very exciting to think that you are "serving" your Mistress when she has you tied down and is sitting on your face demanding that you lick her asshole...and in some sense that might even be true...in another sense your "service" is pure fantasy. No matter what words you are using to describe the experience your "service" to her is about as real as her "rape" of you.

At this point the words themselves have become sex toys. They no longer hold the meanings that apply in the everyday world.

I could go on about other differences between useful service and sex-fantasy service, but the idea I am trying to communicate here is that the same words can have very different meanings in different contexts. And not being aware of those differences can lead to lots of social awkwardness as a kinky person looking for partner(s).

Take, for instance, this actual letter I received from a subguy...

Hello Ma'am,how are you?I am a (X) year old male submissive living in (Y City).I am seeking a Domme to collar me.Thank you for reading this,Ma'am.

Is this guy sincere in wanting to be collared? Probably.

But what, exactly, does he want?

Just about every hetero male submissive wants a Domme to put a collar around his neck. The "collar" is a potent symbol that subguys respond to like Pavlov's dogs at the sound of the dinner bell.

But what this means in terms of the relationship can vary hugely. This guy could be thinking anything from moving in with me to be my 24/7 sissy maid (with me footing the bill for his room, board, & transexual medical treatment) to wanking off once a month under my direction in an online chat room.

Now personally, I think it is the subguy's job to figure out what the hell it is he really wants and learn to articulate it. Regardless, it's obvious to me that people using the same words but meaning different things is at the root of a lot of the complaints on either side about how hard it is to find a Domme/sub.

(What, you didn't know that? It's true - dominant ladies bitch about how hard it is to find a good sub just as much as sub males moan about the scarcity of dommes.)

And so I guess the Excellent Advice I would give to kinksters who are swimming in the dating pool is to watch for the difference between real life and sexual fantasy in the words of your prospective date/mate. Never assume they mean the same thing you do when using erotically-charged words like "collar" and "service". And don't be afraid to clarify, or ask for clarification.