Thursday, June 21. 2012
I answered with the first thing that popped into my head: how much I love having a special girl, one who’s a girl just for me. Not that I want to keep her to myself; I love sharing my beautiful sissy slavegirl with the world! But in a way she’s my creation; she’s the girl I made her to be. I’ve chosen her clothes and makeup, I dictate the way she paints her nails and what bath products she uses. I’ve molded her on the inside too, always demanding that she learn new skills. She’s like a giant Barbie doll: I get to dress her up however I want. Then when she’s dressed I get to play all sorts of delicious sex-games with her. And her warm, whimpering, quivering, moaning, melting flesh is a LOT more fun than those tiny plastic Barbie-bodies ever were.
There’s appeal in the artistic process of this, the actual choosing of clothes and makeup and stuff. The sculpting of her style. There’s pure physical pleasure in the sexual & intimate services she provides. There’s practical pleasure in her more sensible services too. But I admit that what I get off on most from all this is just being in control. She is the way she is because I willed it to be so. I created her. And that makes me feel like a goddess.
I’ve been planning for a while to embark on a series of posts on the subject of ‘things I love about sissies’. There are so many things I love about femme boys in general and my girly boy in particular, it’s not possible for me to write one essay and feel I’ve said all that I want to say on the subject. I mean to make it an ongoing project instead, writing a short post every time some new thing-to-love occurs to me. My pet’s question has prompted me to finally start.
Saturday, June 9. 2012
A little while ago Mistress posted about a video I had made for her mostly for her own amusement--somehow I doubt that silent movie porno is going to take the interwebz by storm. ;p
But it was SO much fun to make, I went ahead and even made a little promo/video for it above purely for the fun of it.
I hope you enjoy...and, if you want to see the entire movie, Mistress has it on her clips for sale site here.
Aren’t you so pleased I removed your Macho facade pet …
We now have the real you …
One who is a Sweetie … One who does as he is told …
Now tell me just how much you like your world controlled by me …
Ohhh last night saw my own wonderful Mistress taking my own 'macho facade' away from me, dressing me in a pink corset, garters, fishnet stockings, silk gloves and high heels.
This was not done for my pleasure, Mistress told me. And in fact had me masturbate rather early in the proceedings '..just to get it out of the way', before an evening or worshiping her feet in sexy high heels and getting intensely spanked, to punish me for straying from my path as her slave and to remind me who is, in fact in control here.
Its Her. Its most definitely Her. I felt just like the illustration above, helpless in his Mistress's arms, all manly pretense taken away. My true self revealed as her obedient sissy slave.
Thank you Mistress. Thank you for loving me, thank you for keeping me, thank you for putting me back in my rightful place at your feet.
And thank you for staying by my side during these rough times. I love you so.
Saturday, June 2. 2012
Beautiful fantasy image, isnt it?
Fantasy fetish perfectly enshrined in cartoon form, a perfection that the great majority of submissive fetish crossdressers like myself will never attain.
I've been thinking lately about the act of 'purging', wherein a crossdresser goes through a stage of wanting to purge himself of all of it. Usually associated with shame at who they are, and who they want to be.
I dont have this kind of shame...embarrassment, yes. I'm deeply embarrassed by my sub cd side but I've never lost sleep over it.
I'm not ashamed of who I am.
But I regret it. I think life would have been a whole lot easier if I had stayed on the straight and narrow vanilla path. It cost me a marriage, coming up soon on 20 years since the most painful time in my life, where my own bdsm desires led me to look for relief outside of the marriage and led me to hurt someone who I loved deeply.
The desires that led me to years of searching, as all single male submissive's search. Looking for love, acceptance, a lover and a partner who wanted me as a slave, a lover, a friend. The best of both worlds.
I couldn't bring myself to go the professional dominatrix route. Such a relationship to me...based on a commercial transaction at its core, is artificial. Play acting. I'm topping from the bottom because I'm paying someone to spend time with me because normally such a person would probably never give me the time of day.
And you know what? I've come closer to that than many submissives I know. I am a lucky slave, to have a wonderful Mistress who loves me. And I love her with all of my heart, for whatever that broken part of me is worth.
But its not fantasy. Its not like hot erotica, where everything is like a nonstop porn movie and everyone looks like beautiful fashion models. We are not gifted with being counted among the 'pretty people' whose images are all over tumblr (including my own) or being so beautiful and fashionably hip at a fetish club.
And our reality these days is kicking our ass. Its a lot of tears and bitterness and financial hardship and we seem locked in a escalating downward spiral, dragging all that is good and beautiful and worth living down with it. And I dont honestly know if we will make it through this.
So I'm developing this strange love-hate relationship with everything bdsm and kink related. I'm drawn helplessly towards it, but more and more faced with the fact that my life is not and will never be like anything I want it to be.
I'm under no illusions. I know burning all of my fem things, deleting all my femdom porn is useless. This is part of who I am, god damn me.
And no amount of purging is going to change that.
Friday, June 1. 2012
I have to admit to a little twinge of white liberal angst at seeing all of the 'sissy white cuckold to Dominant Black Male' fantasy stuff on tumblr, and the net.
Is it because the sissy who is fantasizing this scenario has a bit of a racist streak, and the black man in the fantasy is playing to the humiliation fetish? Kind of a reverse-racism?
Of course, with my own fetish interest in feminization I am perfectly aware that I myself can be accused of being misogynistic--that I see that the wearing of women's clothes as demeaning.
I don't, incidentally. Embarrassing yes, demeaning no. For me and my own fetish makeup its about being beautiful...feminization as a means of worship and enslavement. My hangups are more based in insecurity rather than sexism...I've examined the insides of my own head at some length.
So, I admit I live in a glass house as well. I'm not going to throw stones at anyone else's fetish: perhaps the explanation for it is something other than racism and I just dont understand.
The above illustration would be hot to me regardless of the colors involved. Forced bi at the hands of a Dominant Woman is a major hot button for me, guaranteed to cause much erotic squirming every time. And yes, I'm sure that can be picked apart by politically minded activist types into something far more negative than it actually is: such people like to argue for arguing's sake and appear to have too much free time on their hands to pontificate about them endlessly.
I often wonder about people who spend so much time and energy arguing over porn, of all things. With all that is wrong in the world, the cause that makes them so passionate is PORN?? Their lives must be blissfully free of problems for such a trivial thing to be the big motivator in their life.
I've actually had the good fortune to have been playmates once with a lovely black girl (I miss you Shy!) and race was never a part of it. We'd joke and giggle about it a bit, but it was never part of our play at all. She was a hot young girl who enjoyed teasing and tormenting me with my Mistress: I was just a toy, and friend.
And to me that's as it should be.